I had never thought that someday I would be 40. There are only six months or so remaining… No "six months" have ever been so valuable to me.
What should one do now? In the last junction of the 30s, we must strive to derive utmost enjoyment and satisfaction from it. This must be "by giving importance to life." We need not think about the ages in between, neither did I. But those "10" years are not like that, it is not easy to get through them. We don't pay attention to the 20s at all. We spend them with great pleasure. Then we pause for a moment in the 30s and stagger. When the 40s arrive, it is then one understands the seriousness. There are the 50s and the 60s, God willing… I think a lifetime is passing. The 40s should not be taken lightly… So far, we have been looking ahead, we had nothing to do with the past. But it is now time to look back as if something will appear. From now on, we will open our dairies more often.
When I was a little kid, I used to envy my older relatives and acquaintances. I was becoming impatient to be like them. I had my fears though. For example, I was scared of being circumcised. I was scared to death about leaving home for to school, the military service. Moreover, I don't know how to say it, but this wedding day thing scared me. Back then there was a tradition. The bride was brought to the would-be husband's house mounted on a horseback, and the bridegroom took her in his arms,and carried her up the stairs to the room. With my childish mind (I didn't think that there would be a day when I would grow up to be a mature young man and reach the age of marriage), I was worried about if got married someday, then how I would I take the bride from the horse in my arms and carrry her up through those long stairs. This ridiculous fear consumed me for many long years until I grew up. That's why I used to envy my relatives who finished school, military service, got married and were freed of those worries. I wanted to be a young man as soon as possible with no worries, no grief…just like them.
Now, every time I remember that fastidious child, I become shy and smile and I get lost in the feelings of those sweet days. That child grew up. Even though it was somehow difficult, he left home, left his mom and went to school. He saw the cities that he had never dreamed of. He got married, completed his military service and he had a baby girl. He went through the experiences of those relatives, elder brothers he once envied. He realized one by one that his childish fears were groundless. Then, taking a look now at those relatives, the heroes of his childhood days, they have all become old and gray. They don't have anything for him to envy anymore. Life must be that kind of a thing… As 40 appeared, I said, "I think we're getting old…," to my younger friend in his early 20s. "Don't worry," he replied: "The one who says "I am getting old" never gets old. The one who says "I feel young" is the one who is getting old…" With regards to youth and old age, many many words of wisdom have been said. But I think the most correct among them is Longfellow's epigram, "Youth comes only once in a life time." Then there is also Schiller's maxim completing this idea, "We don't abandon the dreams of our younger years." It is very early to think about the words of grace concerning old age. What those like me, who are knocking on 40s door should do, is to really slow down the years from now on and extend the dreams of youth as much as possible…
Once upon a time, my mom I had thought should I leave her, my world would come to an end, brought up a conversation on yearning and separation. That woman rich in heart, made a remark that would make all philosophers and poets envious, "We're getting old without seeing each other my son." I was struck, shaken… That hit me like a bullet. As if something was stuck in my throat and I couldn't swallow it. Both she and I knew that our hearts could not withstand conversations like this anymore. We simply remained silent and wept inwardly. But this time it was different. This was a sentence that as long as I am living, I will never ever forget, and each time I remember, it will burn me from the inside out. No matter what is said after that is all in vain. Unfortunately, we can only see each other once a year. Life separates us even though we don't want it that way, and we don't have enough strength for reunion. You are right mother."We are getting old without seeing each other." Look, you are approaching your 60s and I my 40s.
03.04.2005
e-mail:a.colak@zaman.com.tr
